11/14/2025
BREAKING: Auburn Hires Nation’s First AI Head Coach After Running Out of Humans to Fire
AUBURN, AL — In a bold move that shocked absolutely no one familiar with Auburn’s coaching history, the university has officially hired an artificial intelligence program named “Coach AUT” as its next head football coach.
Athletic Director John Cohen called the decision “the logical next step” after firing three human coaches in four years and nearly hiring a man who once sold insurance. “We were looking for a coach who doesn’t sleep, doesn’t tweet, and doesn’t mind being second-guessed by 400,000 fans after every play,” Cohen explained. “ Coach checked all those boxes.”
The coach reportedly passed its first test by immediately saying, “Yes, sir, Mr. Yella Wood, whatever you want,” during orientation. And it immediately won over fans by promising to “run the dang ball” and “never lose to Alabama. And when asked about its coaching philosophy, Coach AUT replied, “War Eagle, baby!
Coach AUT made national headlines by offering scholarships to every 5-star recruit in the country, sending out 2,700 offers within the first hour of activation, although it did accidentally offer scholarships to three vending machines and a Roomba . Followed up by a text to recruits reading, “Wanna change the game? Type ‘War Eagle’ to 00:01.”
Have a great football weekend.